Army Of Dumb

So you're going with Dennis Quaid and Christopher Eccleston... that's your play Paramount. You got it so right with the Transformers trailer and yet so woefully wrong here that it pains me to say... I'm no longer excited for G.I. Joe. (tear)



You could have given me nothing Paramount, nothing, and I would have been there opening night, but that's the mysterious and awesome power of the trailer. So let's find the black box, as well as my child-like excitement and wonder... I'm sure it's here in the wreckage.

1. Everyone wants to talk about movie stars... "who's in the movie?" "I heard so and so is in the movie," but trailer stars are just as important. Watch a Transformers trailer , either of them, and what do you see? You see Shia 'NoNoNo' Labeouf, Meghan The Fox, and a heap of transformers. What you don't see is 2 minutes dominated by Jon Voight and John Turturro. But why is that you may ask. To that there's only an easy answer... NOBODY CARES THAT THEY'RE IN THE MOVIE.
Sure, it's great to have talented actors in the supporting rolls of your summer tentpole, in fact it's probably a solid idea. That doesn't mean you make them the stars of your trailer. I'm all for wetting the appetite (see Godzilla, King Kong, Cloverfield), but you have the documented hunkyness of Channing Tatum and the undeniable charm of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and you stick me with Marlon Waynes. We're not happy, we're not singing, and we're certainly not brothers. In fact, I don't even know you any more Paramount.
2. The trailer closes with the most classic of mistakes..."From the Director of." In this case it's The Mummy. Now I have no love for The Mummy, but I don't hate it either. I do, however, know many people who think it's a terribly stupid movie that's overly CGIed starring the poorman's Nick Cage. So why give them something to hate. G.I. Joe sells itself, especially after the successful update of Tranformers.
3. When the CGI looks ehh in the trailer, it only looks bigger in the theater.

It might still be a cash cow but just a little more planning and you'd have had my 10 bones, but perhaps I'll let the real heros tell it...


**Note** The treehouse is a metaphore.